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If you're like most politically-minded
people, you've probably been thinking a lot about the
current presidential election. You've probably also
noticed that you don't care about it very much.
Unfortunately, with the boring candidates now fighting
for american votes, this election isn't doing much to
combat voter apathy. Experts have speculated that it
will take the intervention of a true american icon to
get the gears of democracy moving once again in their
proud circular motion. That's
where General Mills* comes in.
*General
Mills is the maker of such well-loved cereals as Cheerios,
Apple Cinnamon Cheerios, Frosted Cheerios, Team Cheerios,
and Cheerios V: Buzzbee's Revenge.
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General
Mills has decided to start its own election.
A Cocoa Puffs election.
In
this election, Cocoa Puffs is pitting its mascot, Sonny
the cuckoo bird, against two of the most shrewd political
minds in history: Donkey and Elephant.
The
following is my analysis of each candidate in this very
important chapter of american history.
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We can tell right away that Donkey
has absolutely no chance of winning. His platform rests solely
on the promise of putting his face on every coin. If Bill
Clinton tried to do something like that, he'd get impeached
(again.)
Now, I could see this being a viable asset if Donkey was some
kind of supermodel. Then other countries would look at our
money and say, "Hey, America is full of sexy people!
Let's give them all of our money!" Unfortunately, Donkey
is a fucking donkey. If he was elected, other
countries would look at our money and say, "Hey, America
is full of jackasses! Ha ha ha! Stupid jackasses!"
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Excerpt
from the Cocoa Puffs website |
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Elephant, while a complete
moron, is still fifty times better a candidate than
Donkey could ever hope to be. Some people might hear
Elephant's plans for bigger money, and without thinking,
say, "Yeah, I sure could use some bigger cash."
Of course, if they followed through on their thoughts,
they'd realize that he means LARGER coins, not MORE
coins. Nevertheless, people rarely follow through
on their thoughts, meaning that Elephant has essentially
clinched the "confused and half-deaf" vote.
I personally think that Elephant would have a better
chance of winning the election if he had a snappy
campaign slogan. I'd suggest something in the vein
of "Even fatter than Taft!" Think about
it. If you saw a presidential candidate who gave out
buttons that said "Even fatter than Taft!,"
would you be able to NOT vote for them?
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Excerpt
from the Cocoa Puffs website |
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Now
we come to Sonny the Cuckoo bird, the favorite in
this race. I must say, Sonny has the best platform
by far. What chocloholic hasn't had a dream involving
fudge-spewing ATM machines? If you're anything like
me, you're haunted by images like this every night
of your miserable existence.
Sonny seems to want to paint his opponents as chocolate-hating
communists. He seems to be succeeding. With his gaping
grin and glassy eyes, he certainly looks honest.
It
will be an interesting race, to say the least.
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Excerpt
from the Cocoa Puffs website |
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